Laughing With Your Inner Critic

If I try to study at home, I end up watching fall premieres on Hulu or reading Facebook updates. Accepting this didn't occur to me for several weeks. Instead, I wondered why I was having such a difficult time focusing, worried about falling behind, and generally just piled on the pressure until the thought of studying at home provoked so much anxiety that productive studying was impossible.

I find this interesting because it's an example of how hard it can be to just accept things (life, ourselves, others) as they are and move on. Instead, we beat our heads against metaphoic brick walls trying to change things that aren't changeable (or, at least, not easily). And why? Where is the rule that says I should be able to study productively at home, and that I'm lazy/unproductive/inefficient/etc if I can't? How funny is it that it didn't even occur to me to question my perspective? (This is why diversity is so important.)

So after two weeks I stopped struggling against myself and accepted that I don't study well at home. After I accepted this very simple fact, equally simple solutions popped right up.

Solution #1: I bought a bookbag. (I'd been using a smallish messenger bag.) With my bookbag I can pack up whatever I need to be productive for the day. Books, my laptop, etc. Side benefit: relationship building. My new bookbag is awesome! It has 30+ compartments, far more than I could ever use or would ever want to, but I think they're super neat! It even has a secret zipper compartment in the bottom where an ice-pack would fit! I showed my nifty new backpack to at least five colleagues today. And it's true that people like you better when you are being authentic, when you are sharing your passions. So now I can get myself and my study materials to places where I'll be productive, and I strengthened a few relationships, in an authentic way.

Solution #2: Study dates. One of my dearest friends has been living on the razor's edge of life and death for several years now, dealing with more health challenges than I could catalog, the most serious of which is a brain tumor. A year ago she underwent a remarkable procedure involving a gamma ray knife. A week or so before her procedure, she and I spent a day together. I was studying for my GMAT, which was coming up in a week, and she was preparing for her procedure. We sat together at a small table in her kitchen and worked, side by side. After what felt like an hour or so, we checked the time - four hours had passed. We had some food, decided to work for another hour or so. We stopped when we realized it was getting dark out; another four plus hours had passed. That was the longest period of unswerving, single-minded focus I've ever experienced.

After I finish this semester's micro class, I'll explain in economic terms just how it is that two intentions combined are multitudes stronger than two separate intentions. In the meantime I'll just go on faith. So I'm making study dates. At the library, and even (gasp!) in my apartment. As I type that, I feel anxiety rising in my gut, because I'm embarrassed to admit that I just might not be able to study productively in my apartment alone. Because it feels like a failing. As I finish a blog post about accepting what is and moving on.

The older I get, the better my sense of humour and the more I'm able to laugh at myself. It makes life much richer.